We live in a time of great marital discord and family disintegration. At the beginning of the twentieth century the divorce rate in America was under ten percent. By 1983 the divorce rate was just under fifty percent (the divorce rate has stood near fifty percent ever since the early 1980s). One would expect that with the great rise in the standard of living in the United States, families would be in a better state in the 1990s then they were in the 1890s. There is no question that, materially speaking, Americans are much better off than they were 100 years ago. The problems in the family in the late twentieth century are not economic but ethical and spiritual. The twentieth century in America is the century of unbelief and apostasy, the century in which secular humanism replaced Christianity as the predominant world-view. It is the children of those who rejected biblical Christianity in the 1930s and 40s who cast off all restraint. Thus, since the 1960s America experienced the youth rebellion, the so-called generation gap, the drug culture, the romanticization of socialism (the loony left), and the sexual revolution. While the political and cultural establishment of the 1950s was a hypocritical farce and justly needed to be questioned, the youth rebellion went beyond the questioning of political and cultural norms. Young people rejected Christianity and rejected God's ordained lawful means of preserving the family. The sexual revolution, with its premarital sex, pornography, adultery, homosexuality and easy, no-fault divorce has left in its wake broken families, untold heartaches, suicide, poverty and abortion (the American holocaust). We have watched in horror and disbelief as the number of illegitimate births has climbed 400 percent, as divorce rates have quadrupled, as the incidence of domestic violence has increased 320 percent, as the percentage of children either abandoned or left to their own resources has quintupled, and as teen suicides have skyrocketed 200 percent. [1]
The breakup of families and the problems associated with marital discord have not been without a response. America has a thriving pop-psychology industry that caters to the misery and heartaches of unhappy couples. There are literally thousands of books, hundreds of videos, and hundreds of seminars by pop-psychologists that deal with having a happy marriage. The problem with modern psychology and psychiatry is that they simply do not work. [2] The human philosophies and theories behind pop psychology are hostile to the Christian faith. The millions upon millions of dollars spent on these books and seminars have accomplished nothing but harm. The Christian church existed for 1800 years without psychology and psychiatry. Family harmony and righteousness were far greater among the seventeenth-century Puritans than among today's evangelicals. Christians must realize that psychologists and psychiatrists are a type of secular priesthood. When Christianity was cast off, psychologists and psychiatrists rushed in to fill the role once held by Bible-believing pastors.
To solve the sin problems that occur in the family we must avoid syncretism with pagan theories and depend solely upon God's Word. God will not patch his grace onto some humanistic psychological nonsense even if that nonsense is couched and buried in Christian terminology. [3] There is no neutrality. The problems of the family are ethical and spiritual; therefore, we must focus our attention on the Bible and pray for wisdom and the enabling power of the Holy Spirit to sanctify our families before God.
Given the state of society, the best hope for America is a reformation in the church and the biblical reconstruction of the family. Both of these processes are interrelated for the church is made up of families and families receive doctrinal instruction and the sacraments in the church. The feminization of the church is a direct result of a lack of covenant masculinity in the home. And, the lack of covenant masculinity in the home is related to the penetration of feminism and "politically correct" notions in the churches. Most professing Christians today are not interested in solid biblical preaching but rather look to entertainment and gimmicks (e.g., youth groups, pop-psychology, Oprah Winfrey style women's Bible studies, etc.). Seminaries and denominations are all too happy tp give people what they want; men (and yes even women) who are adept at church program management; who don't make waves by being too biblical; who help the social club function smoothly. As a result, fathers are not taught or expected to lead their families spiritually. Sadly, such men often remain spiritually immature and virtually useless in the task of godly dominion because they refuse to seriously study Scripture or theology. Why should they? For they have been encouraged to pass on their responsibility to the youth group leader or some other modern program. If Christian families are to be salt and light to culture, churches must teach men to act as covenant heads of their own households. Fathers and husbands must learn what the Bible says about families and put it into practice. Churches need to learn to respect the covenantal sphere of the family and not attempt to usurp the father's authority. Pastors and elders are to train covenant heads to teach, counsel and lead effectively in the home. This book is a small step in that direction.
The purpose of this monograph is to provide husbands and wives with the biblical tools necessary to avoid syncretism with modern pagan culture and the ethical chaos so common among professing Christian families today. We need to examine the covenant family from a biblical perspective and be able to apply God's all-sufficient Word to the various contingencies that arise within the household. It is our hope and prayer that this book will be of benefit to Christian families in this time of societal decay and family disintegration.
All relationships are established and developed by means of communication. Even God used verbal and then written communication to establish a relationship with His bride, the church. The church can only grow spiritually as it studies and implements God's word. When Christians do not read the Bible or pray, their relationship with Jehovah stagnates. They need divine revelation if they are to grow in the grace and knowledge of Christ. Communication and sanctification go hand in hand. "Sanctify them by Your truth. Your word is truth" (Jn. 17:17). Similarly, the marriage relationship (which is a small picture of the church's relationship to Christ [Eph. 5:23ff]) is dependent on continuous biblical methods of communication for growth in grace, love, helpful companionship and godly dominion.
Why is biblical communication so important for a godly marriage? There are many reasons. (1) It is needed if there is going to be intimacy and cooperation in the marriage relationship. Christian marriage should be an edifying and pleasurable experience. "Can two walk together unless they are agreed" (Amos 3:3)? (2) It enables the husband and wife to work toward the same goals (i.e., raising a godly seed, mutual sanctification and building the kingdom of God). Communication is to be used daily to apply God's word to the family, thus helping each other become better servants of Christ. "As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend" (Pr. 27:17). (3) Christian marriage should be a godly witness and example to the world of Jesus' relationship to the church (Eph. 5:23ff) and the power of the Holy Spirit to radically transform people and families. All these things are dependent on biblical communication. (4) Most marital problems today are a direct result of a failure in this area. If a husband exercises biblical leadership in this area, then nasty quarrels and mis-communications will be extremely rare. As the leader the husband is responsible to set the tone of communication and direct discussions and disagreements so that unbiblical, unproductive arguments cannot develop.
Although the Scriptures require all believers to follow biblical methods of communication, it must be emphasized that the husband as the head of the household caries the primary responsibility in ensuring that these principles are followed. If there are problems in the home (including communication troubles) then the husband must take charge. He must take the initiative, search the Scriptures, seek godly counsel if necessary and put into practice a plan to solve the problem or problems.
The first biblical principle for effective communication in the home is honesty. Communication must be truthful: "You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor" (Ex. 20:16). Paul says that we are to "speak the truth in love" (Eph. 4:15). John says that our love must be expressed "in deed and in truth" (1 Jn. 3:18). "Therefore, putting away lying, 'Let each one speak truth with his neighbor', for we are members of one another" (Eph. 4:25). Lying is a contradiction in a number of ways. It is a sin against God and brings His displeasure and chastisement. Lying destroys the trust between husband and wife.
Everyone knows someone who is a habitual liar. What happens when the liar does tell the truth? People do not trust such a person, even when he is telling the truth. A husband and wife are supposed to have the most intimate human relationship possible. But if one or both parties are lying, useful communication is clouded by doubt. Communication under such circumstances degenerates into pleasantries, small talk and saying what one thinks the other person wants to hear. The deep, intimate, searching communication necessary to a deep, intimate marriage are lost. The wife loses respect for her husband and the husband cannot depend on his wife as a biblical helpmeet when deception occurs in his speech.
Furthermore, lying hurts the feelings of the one who is lied to. Lying implicitly says, "You are unimportant. I cannot trust you to help me with this problem in my time of need." It implicitly says, "I don't want to be open and intimate with you. There are areas of my life that are off-limits to you."
"Deception is a serious barrier to communication. Lying obviously destroys credibility and violates trust. But more subtle means of obscuring the truth may also prevent effective communication. When we begin to play hide-and-seek in marriage, the most important context God provided for openness, we are in trouble. The marital game of deception is established on the false premise that 'What she [he] doesn't know, won't hurt her [him].'" [4]
Christian marriage requires total honesty. If the husband and wife are working together for the same biblical goal of dominion, godly children and helpful companionship, then lying doesn't make any sense. Lying implies separate goals and agendas. Often lying is a sign of deeper problems. It is often used to cover one's tracks. If a man is spending money illicitly (e.g., gambling, pornography, booze, etc.), and the wife asks where that fifty dollars went, the unrepentant husband lies to hide his sinful behavior from his wife. Under such circumstances a spouse should get help from a Christian friend and, if necessary, go to the elders of the church.
Effective communication in a marriage also requires openness. Communication must be honest. But there must also be a willingness to communicate. The best way to get to know one another and avoid misunderstandings is to have open communication. Christians are not mind readers. Husbands and wives should not have to guess what each other is thinking. Paul says, "For what man knows the things of a man except the spirit of a man which is in him?" (1 Cor. 2:11). The only way for us to reveal our thoughts to one another is to speak, to communicate. Although both the husband and wife are responsible to communicate and be open with each other, it is the husband's responsibility, as leader of the household, to ensure that the channels of communication are continually open. If necessary, the husband must take the initiative to ensure that a spirit of openness exists in the relationship. He should make sure that time is spent each day in one-on-one conversation with his wife. In order for this to occur, the husband may find it necessary to restrict the amount of television the family watches (while a certain amount of relaxation is necessary for one's health, the average American watches inordinate amounts of T.V. and watches the wrong kinds of T.V.). He may have to restrict the amount of time he spends with his friends. The husband who comes home from work and sits in front of the T.V. every night for hours, and then spends his weekends hunting and fishing with his buddies, certainly is not communicating effectively with his wife. He is not loving his wife as Christ loved the church (Eph. 5:25). The husband may find it necessary to restrict his wife's extra activities. The wife who spends several nights out a week with friends, playing bridge or even attending church activities, is not going to have the intimate, open communication that Christian marriage requires.
The husband and wife should work at open communication until it becomes a habit in the relationship. This will involve putting into place a number of simple principles. An important element in open communication is listening to each other carefully. This means paying attention—no daydreaming. Husbands and wives should not give the impression that what the other has to say is unimportant or stupid. It also means asking questions. If a spouse does not understand what has been said they should ask questions until the other's thought is fully understood. If one is married to a person who is very quiet and not naturally open, one should gently ask questions to stimulate conversation.
Another important element in open communication is the need to be clear and direct in one's speech. Husbands and wives must avoid being vague and indirect in communication. Beating around the bush and speaking ambiguously leave one open to misunderstandings and mis-directions. For example, a woman who is about to go to the hairdresser asks her husband how he would like her to have her hair styled. The husband would like it styled a certain way but says, "Have it done however you want, dear." If, when his wife returns from the hairdresser, he is disappointed, whose fault is it? It is his own. The wife communicated effectively but the husband did not reveal his true thoughts. Spouses who do not reveal their thoughts on an issue because they do not think it is important (or are afraid to offend) create problems. Mis-communication can lead to anger, resentment and arguments over issues that really are inconsequential. When couples are not open and honest with each other, minor problems fester and develop into major blowups. Unresolved issues pile up in the marriage relationship until the problems seem unmanageable. Marriage counselors are constantly hearing husbands and wives say to their spouses: "Why didn't you tell me about that?" "Why didn't you tell me that bothered you?" "Why didn't you just ask me to do such and such?" The principle of open communication is so simple, yet it is commonly violated in our day. It is tragic that many marriages have failed over something so simple yet necessary. Husbands and wives should not be afraid to speak openly and clearly, as long as they do so in a gentle, loving manner. It's time to stop the guessing game, trying to read each other’s minds, trying to read in between the lines. Marital communication should not be a puzzle or enigma; it should be open and clear.
With open communication husbands and wives will not only avoid misunderstandings and unnecessary arguments but will also get to know each other more and more as time progresses. The focus for couples in our pagan society has been on entertainment and sensuality. Couples are dancing, going to movies, partying and having a lot of sex. As a consequence, many American newlyweds know a lot about each other’s anatomy but little about each other’s mind. Couples need to study each other; getting to know each other is a top priority. "The television series The Newlywed Game, and other shows that match husbands' and wives' answers, seem funny, but really they are tragic. They reveal not the rare or unusual but the commonplace. They provide an ominous warning that couples simply do not know each other. People are not doing their homework." [5]
Husbands and wives must not only be honest and open, they must be honest and open in a biblical manner. A person can be open and honest, yet hurt others with his speech. Paul says, "Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one" (Col. 4:6). The Christian has a responsibility to speak in a way that promotes healing and leads to edification. What kind of speech is more biblical for the man whose wife is overweight: "You're a fat, bloated pig. You look like a cow." or "Honey, I'm concerned about your health; I think it would be a good idea for you to lose some weight." The answer is obvious. "There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword, but the tongue of the wise promotes health" (Pr. 12:18). "Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones" (Pr. 16:24). "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver" (Pr. 25:11). The Apostle Paul had much more in mind than curse words when he said, "Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what as is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers" (Eph. 4:29). "Paul is talking about words that tear people apart. Such speech consists of unkind words, words that cause and complicate problems rather than solve problems. These are words that cut and slice, the kinds of words that were natural to the former manner of life....Instead of using unwholesome, rotten, cutting words, a Christian must speak words that 'edify' (build up). They should be constructive rather than destructive words; they should build up instead of tear down....Wholesome words are those which are directed toward the problem that has arisen (literally, 'the present need') in order to help those who hear. If a brother has been doing something wrong he needs help. He doesn't need tearing down, he needs building up." [6] When husbands and wives are honest, open and speak biblically, real communication occurs. The misunderstandings, irritations, sins and problems that occur in the marriage relationship are dealt with and eliminated daily, because couples are attacking problems—not each other.
One of the greatest hindrances to communication in the home is uncontrolled anger. The unwholesome words that Paul condemns are usually the result of anger. "Anger is a problem for every Christian: sinful anger probably is involved in 90 percent of all counseling problems." [7] Jay Adams describes the woman married to a man who cannot control his temper as living at the foot of an active volcano: one never knows when it's going to blow. D. James Kennedy describes people with a short fuse as those who "may speak the truth, but they are about as loving as a bucketful of hydrochloric acid." Uncontrolled anger destroys communication and problemsolving in the marriage relationship. When couples attack each other, instead of the problem, the lines of edifying communication are severed.
When dealing with anger in the marriage relationship one must keep in mind that anger in and of itself is not sinful. Jesus was angry with those who sold merchandise in the temple. He was also angry with the Pharisees. Yet He never committed sin. The Psalmist says, "God judgeth the righteous, and God is angry with the wicked every day" (Ps. 7:11, KJV). The Apostle Paul exhorts Christians to "be angry and do not sin" (Eph. 4:26). Anger is a God-given emotion that is good if used biblically. It is sinful if it leads to unrighteous behavior or speech. It is also sinful if it is based on a false standard of righteousness.
One way of avoiding sinful anger in the marriage relationship is to make sure that you are not holding your spouse up to a false standard. One of the main reasons why Jesus was hated by the Jewish leaders in His day was because the Jews had a false interpretation of God's law based on human tradition. When Jesus was the object of the Jews' seething hatred because He healed a man on the Sabbath, He said: "Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment" (Jn. 7:24). The obvious implication of His statement is that if the Jews truly understood the law of Moses they would not have been angry with His actions. Anger that is not based on a violation of God's law is arbitrary and unjustified. Thus it is important that husbands and wives study and understand God's Word, so that they are not guilty of unjustified anger. The husband who is angry with his wife because she is not a gourmet cook, has small breasts, or doesn't like to play golf is guilty of unrighteous anger. The wife who is angry with her husband because he is not wealthy, six foot four, or the smartest person in town is guilty of unrighteous anger. God gave man the ability to become angry in order to motivate him to biblical action against sinful behavior. Anger based on self-law, covetousness and pride is sinful and must be repented of.
Another form of unrighteous anger is that based on inadequate information. Often husbands and wives become angry at one another because of perceived wrongs that never even occurred. A spouse will judge his mate falsely because he lacks the necessary information to properly assess the situation. The Bible condemns this behavior as judging a matter before it is heard: "He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him" (Pr. 18:13). The biblical injunction to be slow to anger has a two-fold application. First, a person must be slow to anger in order to control his temper: "A quick-tempered man acts foolishly" (Pr. 14:17). But there is also the element of taking the time to properly assess the situation. This involves being "quick to hear." "So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath" (Jas. 1:19). Husbands and wives need to be slow to speak and quick to hear in order to receive the information necessary to respond biblically to the situation. How many husbands have become angry, lost control and yelled at their wives over totally imaginary offenses? If your wife goes shopping and comes home an hour late for an important dinner engagement, don't immediately blow your stack and start yelling at her. Remain calm and ask questions until you have the necessary information to ascertain what occurred. If she had a flat tire or got stuck in traffic, your anger is completely unjustified. Even if your wife is guilty of some offense, anger must be controlled and directed at the problem. "Do not go hastily to court; For what will you do in the end, when your neighbor has put you to shame?" (Pr. 25:8). "He who has knowledge spares his words, and a man of understanding is of a calm spirit" (Pr. 17:27).
Never render a judgment in your mind against your spouse unless you know all the facts regarding the situation. Do not assume you know what your spouse is thinking. Do not assume that you know your spouse's motives or opinions regarding a situation without first communicating and receiving the necessary information verbally. Do not pre-judge. Remain calm, ask questions and give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. "Therefore let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another" (Rom. 14:19). Remember, only God knows the heart. "For I know their works and their thoughts" (Isa. 66:18). We should never play God by assuming we know our spouse's thoughts.
Husbands and wives should never hold up their spouse to an arbitrary standard of righteousness. They should never pre-judge each other’s actions or motives. But how should they deal with anger that is justified? What should you do when real sin occurs, and righteousness indignation follows? The Bible teaches that Christians must control their anger. The anger should be used to motivate you to right action. Instead of losing your temper and blowing up (or clamming up and giving your spouse the silent treatment), you should focus your attention on the problem. "Christians must learn to attack the problem at hand, not each other." [8] If anger is controlled and directed at the sin (and the problems that arise from sin) then the sins will be acknowledged and confessed. This is followed by forgiveness and reconciliation.
Husbands and wives who do not control their anger end up attacking each other instead of the problem. Uncontrolled anger leads to strife, contentions and other serious problems in the marital relationship. The biblical portrayal of man who vents his anger is truly abysmal. The man who does not have control his anger does not have understanding (Pr. 12:17;14:29). He is defenseless (Pr. 25:38). He doesn't have discretion (Pr. 19:11). He acts hastily. He stirs up strife and contentions (Pr. 30:33). He abounds in transgression and will inevitably suffer punishment (Pr.19:19). Uncontrolled anger is what turns minor disagreements into shouting matches (Pr. 17:14). It is not only the cause of serious verbal abuse but also the starting point for physical abuse and even murder. Uncontrolled anger is sinful and foolish because its purpose is not to heal and edify but to hurt. Raising one's voice, yelling, screaming, name-calling, hasty generalization, bringing up past sins and threats—all are used to hurt one's spouse. Christian marriage is not a debating society where husbands and wives win points by trying to win arguments, whatever the cost. Those who want to avoid a breakdown in communication, bitterness and resentment must control their anger.
The first step in controlling anger is to remain quiet and avoid the urge to blow up in order to consider a biblical response to the situation. People given to blowing up have often been told to remain quiet and count to 10 (or 20, if necessary). The husband or wife who is tempted to respond to anger in an unbiblical manner should memorize all the passages in Scripture that discuss controlling anger. (Even before all the passages are memorized, write them down on 3-by-5 cards for quick reference in time of need. When you are tempted to blow up, you should quietly meditate on appropriate passages of Scripture). The husband that is given to emotional outbursts should explain to his wife that he is learning to replace blowing up with dealing with the situation biblically; therefore, she should understand that he needs some time to meditate on Scripture in order to avoid a blowup. Likewise, the wife who is given to clamming up (i.e., the silent treatment) should also memorize the anger passages. She must learn that cutting off communication is not the way to solve problems and bring healing to the relationship. The first step should be faithfully practiced until remaining quiet and looking toward the Scriptures for solutions becomes a habit. The goal is rehabituation. One must put off blowing up or clamming up and put on a quiet, well reasoned, scriptural response to the situation. [9]
The second step is to direct the energy from one's anger toward solving the problem. When husbands and wives get angry, they often direct the anger at each other, instead of at the problem that causes the anger. The result is an argument in which the problem is ignored, while the husband and wife attack each other with bringing past sins, hasty generalizations (e.g., "You always," "You never," etc.), outright insults (e.g., "Yea, well you're a fat, bloated pig," etc.), and so on. Such argumentation is useless and counterproductive because it does not lead to growth in the marriage relationship. Instead of losing one's temper and trying to punish and hurt one's spouse, or attempting to win an argument that is going nowhere, the husband or wife should focus their attention on the problem. The unbiblical word or actions that led to the anger should be dealt with calmly, directly and biblically. For example, Bob asked his wife to run an important errand for him, but his wife decided that she had other things to do that were more pressing. Thus, she deliberately disobeyed her husband. Bob was very angry. Not only did his wife disobey him but she had a habit of disregarding his instructions when she believed more important things needed to be done. Bob's wife sinned against him, and he had every right to be angry, but instead of blowing his stack and yelling at his wife in an attempt to punish her and hurt her feelings, he responded biblically. He sat down and calmly explained why what she did was sinful; that she must obey her husband, and that she needs to repent and ask for forgiveness. Anger should not be used to attack one's spouse in order to punish and hurt. What is needed is to identify the sinful behavior and discuss what can be done to put it off in order to replace it with godly behavior. When a husband or wife does something to anger the other, the result should not be a fight but a discussion of which biblical principles apply, and what can be done to put off the sinful behavior in order to replace it with godly behavior. [10] Attacking one's spouse is sinful and self-centered. Real love helps one's partner eliminate irritating sinful behavior and gives God the honor due Him. The husband is commanded to love his wife just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it (Eph. 5:25). He must do everything he can to help his wife be a better Christian. Hurtful arguments must be replaced with problem-directed communication that leads to mutual sanctification and reconciliation.
The third step involves a genuine confession and reconciliation. After discussing the problem, one party should admit guilt, make restitution if necessary, and apologize without making excuses or blameshifting. The other party should accept the apology and promise to help in any way possible with the problem. Since all sin is ultimately against God, confession should also be made to Him. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 Jn. 1:9). A common error committed during this third step is to engage in excuse making or blame-shifting: "I didn't get enough sleep last night." "Things are really tough at work and I'm under a lot of pressure." "The kids were getting on my nerves." "I really didn't mean it." "I was so hungry I couldn't help it." "If you didn't ask me to go to the store, I wouldn't have wrecked the car." These are destructive of a real confession because they imply that a person is not responsible for his bad behavior. If the individual is not really responsible, then there is no such thing as sin, only environmentally caused accidents. Making excuses and blameshifting destroy real repentance because if a person could not help himself, then repentance is impossible. "He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy" (Pr. 28:13).
While it may seem kind to accept an excuse and move on, in reality it hinders growth in the marriage relationship. When sins are swept under the rug, they are not dealt with properly. If your spouse is mingling excuses and blameshifting with his confession, you must politely remind him that God does not accept excuses for sinful behavior. "Sin disrupts relationships. Sin never 'blows over.' If the mere passage of time could deal with the problem of sin, the Son of God died for no reason. Christian men must confess their sins to their wives. Christian women must confess their sins to their husbands." [11] "Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed"(Jas. 5:16).
After the problem is discussed and genuine confession takes place the husband or wife must be forgiven. Forgiving a repentant spouse is not optional; it is required by Jesus Christ: "'Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?' Jesus said to him, 'I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven'" (Mt. 18:21-22). "But if you do not forgive, neither will your father in heaven forgive your trespasses" (Mk. 11:26). Genuine forgiveness is crucial; for without it, reconciliation has not occurred. The problem is left unresolved. Paul says, "Do not let the sun go down on your wrath" (Eph. 4:26). The Bible clearly teaches that husbands and wives must be reconciled the very same day that the problem occurred; it cannot be put off until the next day. True forgiveness must be extended to your spouse, even when the offense was great. If forgiveness is not extended, then all the preceding steps were in vain; reconciliation has not taken place.
When you forgive your spouse you must no longer hold the sin against him. That means you don't dwell on it, you don't hold a grudge. You don't bring it up again to your spouse or anyone else. When Christians develop the habit of constructive, problem-solving discussion, followed by confession and forgiveness, they nip more serious problems in the bud. They also grow spiritually, and have peace and joy in their relationship. "When a couple is in fellowship with one another, there is, in principle, no problem too great for them to work through together. It is therefore necessary to keep the marriage free of those sins which are a hindrance to fellowship." [12]
There can be no biblical discussion of anger without considering the spouse who clams up after becoming angry. While virtually everyone recognizes that blowing one's stack is unacceptable behavior, many people do not recognize that clamming up (commonly referred to as the silent treatment) is also highly destructive of relationships. Clamming up (like blowing up) does not lead to constructive problem-solving; in fact, it is often used to punish one's spouse. When a spouse locks his anger inside, he not only cuts off constructive communication but also harbors a reservoir of resentment against his spouse. When someone internalizes anger and refuses to deal with the problem that caused the anger, unresolved problems pile up. The unresolved problems and the bitterness and resentment they cause destroy fellowship and joy in the marriage relationship.
Serious marital problems are often the result of minor problems piling up. When problems and bitterness pile up, they sometimes get to the point where the husband and wife do not even know where to begin. It is not uncommon for biblical counselors to encounter couples who are fighting over unresolved issues that are six and more years old. The resentment from the unresolved problems has poisoned the relationship. Therefore, it is often necessary for couples that are having difficulties in the present to deal with unresolved problems from the past. This will include confession and forgiveness. "When sins are confessed, it is like picking something up that was dropped on the carpet. If a person learns to pick things up immediately, a thousand things can be dropped on the carpet, and the home will still remain clean. But if things are only picked up once every six months, the result will be an overwhelming house-cleaning job. To continue the illustration, some homes are so messed up that those responsible for cleaning simply do not know where to start. They do not necessarily like the way it is, but they are simply overwhelmed. But such things always accumulate one at a time. If they had been picked up as fast as they had been dropped, then the home would have remained clean." [13]
The Bible forbids holding anger within. The spouse who clams up must learn to direct the anger toward problem solving and reconciliation. Paul says, "Be angry, and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil" (Eph. 4:26-27). Paul warns Christians that if anger is not dealt with immediately and resolved biblically, then believers are giving the devil an opportunity. [14] How many people have done things in anger that they later regretted? The spouse who has the habit of clamming up must put off the silent treatment and start communicating until the problem is resolved.
The spouse who is guilty of clamming up must be asked to speak. He or she must be gently reminded that problems can only be solved through biblical communication. He must be reminded that clamming up leads to other sinful activity (e.g., bitterness, hatred, etc.). If your spouse has become angry and clammed up, you should communicate in a calm and gentle way that you are aware of the anger, and that clamming up is an unbiblical way to respond to anger. Sit down with your spouse and ask a series of gentle questions to elicit communication. For example, "Honey, I know that you are angry and you are giving me the silent treatment. I want you to know that I love you, and that we cannot effectively deal with the problem until you are willing to communicate. God wants us to work on the problem together. Don't you think that is a good idea?" "The wise in heart will be called prudent: and sweetness of the lips increases learning" (Pr. 16:21). Once the channel of communication is open, the problem can be dealt with. Then confession, forgiveness and reconciliation can follow. [15]
If you are married to someone who does not control his temper, there are biblical principles that you can use to avoid useless arguments. The worst thing a person can do is to respond to uncontrolled anger with uncontrolled anger of his own. This leads to an escalation of hostilities between both parties. Such arguments increase both in volume and in hurtful speech. C. H. Spurgeon says, "It is useless to try to end a quarrel by getting angry over it; it is much the same as pouring oil on a fire to quench it, and blowing coals with the bellows to put them out." Anger-driven arguments have a tendency to spiral out of control. "The beginning of strife is like letting out water" (Pr. 17:14). "One hot word...begets another, and that a third, and so on, till it proves like the cutting of a dam; when the water has got a little passage it does itself widen the breach, bears down all before it, and there is then no stopping it, no reducing it. [16] Therefore it is crucial to respond to uncontrolled anger biblically, before the dam breaks.
The biblical way to respond to uncontrolled anger is to give a soft answer. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Pr. 15:1). A gentle or soft answer refers to the sound level of an answer, as well as the content of an answer. "There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing" (Pr. 12:18). You must answer in such a way as to subdue the anger of your spouse. This means taking the time to answer carefully. Don't blurt out the first thing that comes to mind but carefully reflect on a biblical response. "The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil" (Pr. 15:28). One method of subduing wrath is to find a point of agreement (if possible) within your spouse's accusation or verbal attack. If you agree with a point of accusation made by your husband or wife, it makes it very difficult for your spouse to continue the argument. For example: "Yes, dear, you're right; I should have removed that dead tree before it had a chance to fall on the car. Let's sit down and discuss ways I can learn to not procrastinate in the future." The point is not to sweep one's spouse's uncontrolled anger under the rug but rather subdue it, in order to facilitate genuine communication instead of a useless argument. Uncontrolled anger cannot be dealt with until problem-solving communication is restored.
There are times when a spouse becomes angry because of a genuine misunderstanding. Even if your spouse's anger is not based on reality (e.g., he thought you said or did something, but in fact you did not), you must maintain control of your anger. It is easy to lose your temper or become defensive when the accusations made against you are false. Obviously, under such circumstances, you cannot confess and apologize for something you did not do. Instead of blowing up, clamming up or going on the defensive, in a calm manner make it clear that your spouse's anger is misdirected. Tell your spouse the truth regarding the situation, but do so with a soft answer (one that diffuses anger and avoids an argument). For example, "I'm sorry, dear, that you misunderstood what I said regarding such and such. My real intent was...." Or "I'm sorry that I did not make myself clear regarding such and such; let me clarify that for you. There is no reason to be upset, dear." You should not sweep uncontrolled anger under the carpet; couples must first control their anger before discussing any problems. If anger is not brought under control, a harmful, hurtful argument will follow.
Miscommunications and misunderstandings are inevitable in a marriage relationship; therefore, it is important that spouses learn to give each other the benefit of the doubt. "Whoever guards his mouth and tongue, keeps his soul from troubles" (Pr. 21:23). "Scoffers set a city aflame, but wise men turn away wrath" (Pr. 29:8). You must regard your spouse as more important than yourself (Phil. 2:3). You should give your spouse the benefit of the doubt and drop the issue, unless there has been clear pattern of deception in the past regarding the same issue. If an obvious pattern of deception has occurred, you may find it necessary to seek help from a third party (e.g., your pastor or an elder in your church).
There are Christians who are married to unbelievers and there are Christians who are married to professing Christians who act like unbelievers. What should a Christian do who is married to someone who doesn't care what the Bible says about anger and hurtful speech? What should a husband or wife do whose spouse rejects a soft answer? What if you are married to someone who likes to argue? What if an argument seems unavoidable? No matter how obnoxious your spouse is, you must still exercise self-control and answer in a soft manner. It takes two to tango; it also takes two to maintain an argument. When you find yourself in a situation where your spouse tries to engage you in a hurtful argument, you must simply refuse to argue. Gently make it clear that you are unwilling to argue and engage in hurtful speech. For example, "Bob, I would like to discuss this issue with you, but if you insist on raising your voice and making insults, then I will not discuss the issue until you are willing to do so in a calm, biblical manner. We cannot solve the problem if we are attacking each other. Let's sit down and work on the problem. God doesn't want us to fight." "Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones" (Pr. 16:24). If you refuse to quarrel because you are guilty of an offense, then you should confess your guilt, apologize, and ask for forgiveness. Once you have sincerely confessed your guilt and asked for forgiveness, your spouse must forgive. Real forgiveness involves reconciliation not a tongue-lashing.
If you are married to an unbeliever, resolving conflicts becomes more difficult because your spouse may reject or even hate the Word God. Yet even in such difficult circumstances you are responsible to obey God. The key to winning over an unbelieving husband is not to nag him but to be a good Christian wife. "Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. Do not let your adornment be merely outward— arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel-rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God" (1 Pet. 3:1-4). Although Peter is not specifically dealing with anger he does apply the same principles in order to win over one's spouse. A soft answer is used to win over an angry spouse. A wife must be submissive, chaste in conduct, with a gentle and quiet spirit, to win over her unbelieving husband. The Proverbs deal with the circumstances of anger while Peter discusses a continuous lifestyle geared to win over an unbelieving husband. A meek and quiet wife pleases God. A loud, argumentative, intemperate wife will turn her husband away from the faith because she is a hypocrite. "Better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman" (Pr. 21:19).
The purpose of replacing sinful and unwise habits of communication with biblical habits of communication is to glorify God and sanctify the marriage relationship. Greater intimacy, love and joy are just some of the benefits that will follow. One must keep in mind that sinful habits of communicating and dealing with anger have usually been practiced for many years; therefore, one must not expect instantaneous change in these areas. It will take time, effort and practice to replace years of habitual sin patterns with godly patterns of behavior. You must be patient and not give up. These changes are required by God; they are not suggestions. You must change your sinful behavior. "A Christian sins if he becomes a static, sedentary person who fears positive biblical change and frantically clings to the past, either in his personality growth, in his life decision, or in his manner of living. To resist sanctifying change is to resist and grieve the Holy Spirit. The scriptural doctrine of sanctification necessarily involves growth in holiness. Christians must change in order to become more like Christ. In principle it is true that believers have been declared perfect in Christ, but now they must grow more like Christ in practice. New truths discovered in the study of the Scriptures must become new practices woven into the fabric of one's daily life." [17] You must continually study God's Word, memorize Scripture and put into practice the principles you have learned, seeking God's help in these areas. The goal is to develop and practice godly methods of communication to the point where obedience to God's Word is second nature to you. Then when an opportunity arises to lose control of your temper you automatically obey God without even thinking about it.
How do unbiblical arguments usually develop? An argument begins with a disagreement or accusation regarding an event, behavior or plan. In an unbiblical argument the husband and wife engage in a verbal contest. Instead of attacking the problem objectively and dispassionately the husband and wife attack each other, make accusations and become defensive. The argument becomes heated and then the husband and wife begin blame-shifting, bringing up past offenses, name-calling and in extreme cases making threats (e.g., "I'm going to get a divorce."). This type of verbal sparring very quickly spirals out of control and soon husbands and wives are shouting and acting like idiots. Such arguments are often so heated and prolonged that when the shouting subsides the original problem is forgotten. Instead of dealing with the problem biblically, the husband and wife have buried it under a pile of excuses, blame-shifting, accusations, insults, etc. In a Christian home such arguments should never occur. If the husband is doing his job as the leader in communication, he will not allow unbiblical arguments to develop. Since it takes (at a minimum) two people to argue, the husband can nip arguments in the bud. If he can control himself, focus and direct the conversation in a biblical manner, arguments will not take place.
What should a Christian husband do to stop bad arguments from developing? First, if necessary the husband must turn down the heat. If the wife is upset, angry, defensive and in a quarrelsome mood, the husband must set the tone of communication by remaining calm and collected. He needs to respond to his wife with a soft, disarming, reasoned answer. "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Pr. 15:1). "Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones" (Pr. 16:24). For example: "I'm sorry dear that my actions offended you, or I'm sorry that you think that, let's remain calm and work on the problem biblically." It may even be necessary for the husband to calmly and politely remind his wife that as the leader of the family he is responsible to keep communication biblical. For example: "I know you are very upset dear. But as the leader I cannot let this conversation develop into a useless unbiblical argument. Please calm down so that we can focus on the problem together. Remember we are a team. We are to direct our energies on improving our marriage for God's glory. Let's attack the problem instead of each other."
Second, the husband and wife must work together to solve the problem. Problem solving necessitates privacy; therefore, if necessary send the children outside, or upstairs, or to the basement. It is important that a husband not contradict his wife's decisions in front of the children (unless of course they are dangerous or clearly sinful). The husband must deal with his wife in a manner that does not make her look foolish or damage her authority in the presence of the children. Privacy is essential. Also, it is important that a husband does not treat his wife in a condescending way as if she were one of the children.
Problem solving will involve discussion, study and homework; therefore, get a pad and pencil, Bible, concordance, counseling materials and sit down at the kitchen table. Then after a prayer for illumination, guidance and the enabling power of the Holy Spirit begin to analyze the problem or problems. Remember the husband is to take the lead by setting the tone, asking questions, and offering solutions. Jay Adams offers some excellent ideas on replacing bad sinful behavior with good godly behavior. He writes: "There are at least seven separately definable elements involved in biblical change. These cannot be viewed merely as successive steps, since most of them must be introduced into the counseling process and pursued simultaneously. The elements are as follows:
1. Becoming aware of the practice (pattern) that must be dehabituated (put off);
2. Discovering the biblical alternative;
3. Structuring the whole situation for change;
4. Breaking links in the chain of sin;
5. Getting help from others;
6. Stressing the whole relationship to Christ;
7. Practicing the new pattern." [18]
Third, the husband is responsible to make sure that solutions are put into practice so that the particular problem is not repeated in the future; or, at least when the problem does arise it is dealt with immediately and biblically. When there are deep-seated problems it is important that husbands make sure that appropriate Scripture verses are memorized; that fervent prayer for godly change takes place every day; that appropriate counseling materials are reviewed and learned; that sinful habits are replaced with godly habits. A husband who waits for his wife to admit the problem or tackle it before he takes charge is not leading and is responsible for the lack of progress in sanctification in the marital relationship. This author is aware of professing Christian couples that have made no progress in dealing with problems even after being married for over 25 years. This sad fact is the direct result of husbands who are unwilling to lead in communication and spiritual progress. God has promised believers victory over the power of sin in us by virtue of our union with Christ in His life, death and resurrection (cf. Rom. 6:1-23). There is simply no good excuse for a lack of growth in holiness in the marital relationship.
But (someone may ask), what should a husband do if his wife refuses to submit to his authority or refuses to repent? If a wife obstinately refuses to obey her husband's authority and simply refuses to repent of sinful behavior (e.g., Sabbath desecration), then the husband must turn to the church for help. The husband must explain to his wife in a calm rational manner that her refusal to repent of sin will lead to the implementation of Matthew 18: 15-20. The husband needs to confront his wife a second time with a witness. The witness should be a mature believer who is wise and knowledgeable in the Scriptures. If the wife does not respond to godly counsel she must go before the session (the court of elders) to receive admonition. If repentance is not forthcoming, then such a women must be excommunicated. Then if she (the rebellious, unrepentant, excommunicated wife) departs, the husband is free to get a divorce and remarry a Christian woman. It is very important that husbands deal with difficult problems within the context of the local church. The steps of discipline in Matthew 18:15-20, when done in a competent Reformed church, will insure that the husband is being biblical in his dealings with his wife. It will lead either to repentance or biblical justice. [19]
In present day America it is common for Christians to complain about the state of society. People complain about this country's evil, lying politicians and the arbitrary statist laws that continue to be made in Washington. Professing believers also complain about the state of the church: modernism, feminism, hedonism, pop-psychology, gimmicks, unbiblical pietism and syncretism, etc. Because society has degenerated rapidly since the 1960s, Christians have increasingly become involved in politics and social reform. While the desire to reform both church and state is necessary and commendable, it is unlikely that believers will make notable progress in these areas without first a Christian reconstruction of the family. After all, is it not family members (in particular the fathers and mothers) who vote these wicked politicians into office; and who repeatedly choose pastors in skirts who are theologically and homiletically incompetent and perverse? Although one must recognize the reciprocal relationship between the family and the church and thus the simultaneous need for the reformation of both, one must also recognize that parents (especially fathers-the covenant head of the family) control (from a human perspective) the future.
The husband is the head of the household and the household is the nursery of both the church and the state. Husbands and fathers have an incredible responsibility. If they are not good leaders and are weak, irresponsible and incompetent then the family, church and state will suffer the consequences. As we examine the biblical teaching regarding the duties of husbands we will note that husbands are responsible to lead their wives and children. This leadership, however, is to be modeled after Christ's loving, humble leadership of the church. As Paul says in Ephesians 5:22-33, "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."
In order to understand the leadership responsibilities of the husband one must examine three main categories: the responsibility of leadership, the biblical methodology of leadership, and the areas of leadership.
Before one examines how husbands are to lead, one first must examine the biblical reasons for the covenant headship of the husband. The biblical evidence for the leadership of husbands over their wives and children is so clear and abundant that conservative Christians may consider this point as too obvious to merit attention. The fact that this point is now almost universally rejected by secular humanists, modernists, neo-evangelicals (and some deluded feminists within Reformed denominations), informs us that this teaching can never be neglected or taken for granted. Thus one must examine the many ways in which the Scriptures teach the authority of the husband over his own wife and children.
1. There are many passages in the Bible that directly teach the headship of the husband. Ephesians 5:23, "For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body." 1 Corinthians 11:3, "But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God." What does Paul mean when he says that "the husband is the head of the wife"? The word "head" (kephal) in the New Testament (e.g., 1 Cor. 11:3; Eph. 1:22, 4:15, 22-24; Col. 1:18; 2:10, 18-19) means "ruler," "leader," "the one who has authority over." The husband is the "leader" or "the one who has authority over" his wife. Feminists have attempted to circumvent the clear meaning of these passages by arguing that kephal does not mean "authority over" but rather means "source." This argument has been thoroughly refuted by conservative Bible scholars. [20]
The apostle Peter also speaks to this issue. He writes: "Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives" (1 Pet. 3:1; cf. Eph. 5:22). The word submissive (hypotassomenai, a present participle used as an imperative) presupposes the leadership of the husband. In this passage (and in Eph. 5:22ff.) submission has two aspects: obedience (vs. 6) and respect (vs. 2). Respectful obedience is due to the husband not because of some intrinsic superiority on the part of the man but because submission is commanded by God.
The headship of the husband is also taught in the requirements for holding church office. Paul says that an elder must be "one who rules his own house well, having his children in submission with all reverence (for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God?).... Let deacons be the husbands of one wife, ruling their children and their own houses well" (1 Tim. 3:4-5, 12). The word for rule (proistem) in the secular Greek literature of Paul's day had three basic meanings: 1. To preside over in the sense of to lead, conduct, direct and govern. 2. To stand, place or go before. This meaning entails leadership with the purpose of protection, representation, caring for, to help and to further. 3. In Greek society it could also be used in the sense of managing, arranging, handling or executing an estate. In the New Testament the elements of leadership and caring for are preeminent. Note how Paul sets up a parallel between "ruling" and "caring for" in 1 Timothy 3:5, "if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God?" (emphasis added). The word house in Scripture denotes the whole family (wife, children, servants) not just the children (cf. Gen. 17:12-13; Ex. 12 12:48; Dt. 14:26; 23:8; Josh. 8:35; 24:15; Ac. 10:2, 16:30-34, 18:8; Phil. 4:22; Col. 3:18-22, 1 Tim. 3:12, etc.).
2. The headship of the husband is taught by the meaning of the words for husband. In both Hebrew (îysh) and Greek (anr) the main word for husband is the generic word for man. One must determine the proper translation by examining the context. Other words that are used for husband are the head or leader of the household. One such word is used as a proper name of a Canaanite fertility god. It also is used as a surname to the different gods of various localities (e.g., Baal-Peor [Nu. 25:3], the master or god over Peor). The reason this word is used for husband is because the husband is regarded by God as the lord or master of the household. This word indicates that the wife is to obey or submit to her husband-her lord. 1 Peter 3:5-6, "For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord" [durion]. She obeyed Abraham in a respectful manner acknowledging his position as head of the home.
Another word for husband (hupandros) which is used only once in the New Testament (in Romans 7:2) means literally "under (i.e., subject to) a man." This word means that the husband is the one above, or the one who has authority over his wife. As a Bible believing Christian one must keep in mind that these words were chosen by the Holy Spirit. Therefore, the idea that these words merely reflect a patriarchal sexist culture must be rejected.
3. The headship of the husband is taught by creation ordinance. A creation ordinance is an ethical norm that is based upon the work of God in creation. Such ordinances are based on pre-fall creational realities and are binding on the whole human race prior to the second coming of Christ. These types of ordinances explain why Paul points to Genesis 2 as proof that wives are under the authority of their husbands. He writes, "For man is not from woman, but woman from man. Nor was man created for the woman, but woman for the man" (1 Cor. 11:8-9). "And I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man, but to be in silence. For Adam was formed first, then Eve" (1 Tim. 2:12-13). Fairbairn writes: "Thus did God in the method of creation give clear testimony to the headship of man-to his right, and also his obligation, to hold directly of God, and stand under law only to Him; while woman, being formed for his helpmate and partner, stands under law to her husband, and is called to act for God in him. And simply by inverting this relative position and calling-the helpmate assuming the place of the head or guide, and the head facilely yielding to her governance-was the happy constitution of paradise overthrown, and everything involved in disorder and evil." [21] "[I]n his sovereign wisdom God made the human pair in such a manner that it is natural for him to lead, for her to follow; for him to be aggressive, for her to be receptive; for him to invent, for her to use the tools which he invents. The tendency to follow was embraced in Eve's very soul as she came forth from the hand of her Creator." [22]
In order (man first, woman second) and purpose (the woman is created as a helper suitable or corresponding to the man), Adam and Eve are archetypes of what God intended marriage to be for all marriage relationships throughout human history. "The appeal to what God does (or says) with Adam and Eve in the creation account as an indication of God's will with reference to men and women in general is similar to the argument Jesus uses in demonstrating that God intends permanence for marriage between men and women (Mt. 19:4-6)." [23] Because Paul appeals to Genesis 2:18-25 as a creation ordinance feminists and irresponsible husbands cannot argue that Paul was simply reflecting the sexist notions of Hebrew, Greek or Roman society. What Paul says is based upon the constitution of things as created by God and is binding upon all cultures: past, present and future.
4. The leadership of the husband is also taught in God's law. The law teaches and presupposes the covenant headship of husbands and fathers. Paul says, "Your women are to be submissive, as the law also says" (1 Cor. 14:34). Although it is likely that Paul is using the word in a broad sense referring to the five books of Moses (and therefore has in mind the creation ordinance of marriage in Genesis 2:18-25) the laws of Israel clearly present the father as the leader of the home. Here are some examples: Exodus 22:16-17, "If a man entices a virgin who is not betrothed, and lies with her, he shall surely pay the bride-price for her to be his wife. If her father utterly refuses to give her to him, he shall pay money according to the bride-price of virgins." Note, that the father has the final say regarding this matter. In Numbers 30:3-15 we read that husbands and fathers have the authority to confirm or disallow vows made by their daughters and wives as long as it is done on the day that he hears the vow. Verse 13 reads, "Every vow and every binding oath to afflict her soul, her husband may confirm it, or her husband may make it void." Obviously this authority entails headship over the wife and children (cf. Ex. 21:1-11).
5. The covenant headship of the husband is taught by the analogy of God's covenant relationship to Israel and Christ's relationship to the church. Note the following passages: Isaiah 54:5, "For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is His name; and your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel; He is called the God of the whole earth." Jeremiah 31:32, "My covenant which they broke, though I was a husband to them" (Cf. Jer. 3:20; Ho. 2:2, 7). 2 Corinthians 11:2, "For I have betrothed you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ." Ephesians 5:23, "For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church." Revelation 21:2, "Then I, John, saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband."
Why is the relationship between a husband and wife analogous to the relationship between Christ and the church? There are a number of reasons. First, both involve covenant headship. Christ is the covenant head of the church (cf. Rom. 5:12-21). Believers are saved and sanctified by virtue of their union with Him in His life, death and resurrection. Jesus, the resurrected Lord, is the first born, the head of a new redeemed humanity (Col. 1:15-18; 1 Cor. 15:20, Rom. 8:29; Heb. 12:23; Rev. 3:14). In the marriage relationship the husband is the covenant head of the wife. According to the Bible marriage involves a covenant before God (Pr. 2:17; Mal. 2:14). In this covenant the husband promises to lead, love, defend, protect, nurture, etc., while the wife promises obedience. This covenant is made before God in the presence of witnesses (the covenant community). As Christ is head of the church in a loving way (for her own protection and spiritual growth), the husband is to love his own wife (Eph. 5:25). No relationship on earth should better mirror the relationship of Christ to the church than that of Christian marriage.
Second, the marriage relationship (like the relationship between Christ and the church) involves a mystical union. Paul says, "So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' [Gen. 2:24] This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church" (Eph. 5:28-32). "Christ loves His church because it is His body. Husbands should love their wives because they are their bodies.... The marriage union is not merely one of interests and feelings. Husbands and wives are in such a sense one, that the husband is the complement of the wife and the wife of the husband. The marriage relation is necessary to the completeness of our nature and to its full development in the present state." [24]
Given what the Bible says about the covenant headship of Christ over the church and the covenant headship of the husband, those who intrude their feminist egalitarian presuppositions into the marriage relationship are also perverting people's understanding of Christ's headship. Such thinking and practice not only destroys the biblical concept of Christian marriage but also leads to feminization of the church and (in the long run) the worship of pagan female deities. This scenario has occurred in virtually all of the modernist main line denominations. After all, if church authority teaches that Christian wives do not have to obey their husbands and submit to their authority, then how can they consistently teach that the church must obey Jesus Christ and His word. Is anyone surprised that modernist denominations trample the word of God under foot?
6. The headship of the husband is reiterated and underlined as a consequence of the fall. Genesis 3:16, "To the woman He said: 'I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; in pain you shall bring forth children; your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.'" Rather than adding anything new to the creation ordinance discussed above, this passage describes the consequences of Adam and Eve's sin in the post fall order. Before the fall, Adam was the head or leader and the marriage relationship was harmonious. Without a depraved nature, Adam was naturally a loving, humble leader while Eve was naturally submissive and happy in her role of subjection. After the fall, however, there begins to be a sinful desire of the part of the wife to usurp her husband's authority (3:16 should be interpreted in light of 4:7) [25]. What was once natural and satisfying will now be difficult and often frustrating. Also, as a result of the fall man's naturally loving, humble, sacrificial leadership will be tyrannical and domineering. This sad truth means that believers are totally dependent upon God's grace in the marriage relationship. What was once easy and natural requires diligence in prayer, study and practice.
Before one examines how the husband is to lead, there are a number of things that merit attention regarding this headship.
1. Note that from cover to cover the Bible assumes the covenant headship of the husband. In fact there are no divine imperatives ordering husbands to lead anywhere in the Bible. God's word simply says, "the husband is the head of the wife" (Eph. 5:23). The Holy Spirit describes a creational reality. What this means is that the husband is in a place of inescapable leadership. No matter what the husband does, even when he is totally irresponsible and sits in a bar getting drunk, the husband is still the leader of his family. Even when there is an empty chair at the dinner table or an empty seat on the couch during family devotions, or, when the husband allows his wife to lead and "wear the pants" in the family, that irresponsible husband is still the head of the family. While it is a bad, absentee, irresponsible leadership, it is still a form of leadership. Because the leadership of the husband and father is inescapable, no matter what the husband does he is responsible for what occurs in the home. All husbands need to face this fact. Men who seek escape through neglect, television, drugs, drunkenness, work, etc., will be held personally responsible for the negative consequences to their wives and children by God Almighty Himself.
2. According to Scripture responsible, hands-on leadership is not optional. This means that the man who allows his wife to act as the leader of the family is in rebellion against God. There are two primary ways that men disobey God in this area. The most common form of poor leadership is when the man doesn't want to deal with the day-to-day issues and problems that arise at home. Such a man ignores his family in order to focus upon himself. The irresponsible man wants his wife to rule the household so he can watch television, go camping, sit in a bar, or be a workaholic. This type of man is very common in American society. Such men are self-centered, egotistical and (according to Proverbs) hate their own children. As noted above, a father leads in a certain manner even when he doesn't lead. Even in the so-called matriarchal ghetto culture (where men go about impregnating women and are not involved in raising their children) fathers still have a life-long effect on their children by their absence. The high crime statistics and prison population are testimonies to this tragic fact.
A second example of disobedience in this area is the man who refuses to lead his family because he is afraid of confronting his domineering wife. Such a man is married to a woman who insists (either explicitly or implicitly) on ruling the household. She may be a feminist, or a spoiled brat, or self-centered, or egotistical, or used to having her own way or all of the above. She may think that she is smarter and more capable than her husband. (Indeed she may be.) The irresponsible husband in this situation when confronted regarding his lack of leadership may say that he would like to be the leader that God's word requires but he just can't control his wife. He may plead saying: "Look, if I was the biblical leader that Scripture says I ought to be, my wife would leave me. She just wouldn't stand for it. Isn't it better that I let her call the shots than end up in a divorce court?" A man with this kind of attitude and behavior is in rebellion against God. Why? Because he is placing his obedience and relationship to his wife above his obedience and relationship to God. He basically is saying: "God I refuse to obey your word because I don't want to offend my wife." When a person puts any created thing or person above God and obedience to His word he is an idolater. A husband does not have the option of refusing to lead his wife and children.
The man who submits to his rebellious wife and refuses to obey God is a terrible example to his children. He very likely will have children who rebel against God and get into all sorts of trouble. No matter what such parents may say, their actions are teaching their children that submission to lawful authority is not necessary. The daughters have a rebellious witch as their model of motherhood and the sons have a spineless, pitiful wimp as their model of fatherhood. When parents trample God's word underfoot everyday in front of their children, they destroy their own families. They also cause great harm to the church and society.
3. Christian husbands have a moral obligation to provide a biblical picture of Christ and the church by their behavior. The marriage relationship is an analogy of Christ's relationship to the church. When a husband refuses to lead or leads in a tyrannical manner, he is setting forth a false picture of Christ to his own children and the world. The Christian husband who is irresponsible or mean and dictatorial is lying about Christ. Although a believing husband can never lead, love and serve in the sinless, perfect manner that Christ did and does, nevertheless he still must strive to as Christ-like as possible in his loving leadership over his family.
A solid Christian marriage can be a great agent of change in society. When a Christian man is a solid biblical husband and father he not only extends the dominion of Christ into the future with a godly seed but he also exhibits to the world the love of Christ. Obedient Christian families in our lawless degenerate culture stand out as islands of grace, peace and joy in a sea of chaos and decay. One of the main reasons the evangelical churches are so impotent and salt-less today is the simple fact that they are feminized. They do not recognize the importance of covenant headship and its effect on families, the church and society. When many evangelicals do recognize a problem in this area they have a tendency to resort to show-time para-church gimmicks and shallow unbiblical theology (e.g., the Promise-Keepers movement). There is a great need today for husbands to present a biblical picture of Christ to families, churches and neighbors.
4. A husband must be a genuine biblical leader (i.e., the indicative) before he can properly obey the imperative to love his wife. Proper leadership can never be divorced from the creational imperative and biblical law. One of the greatest problems we have in the church today is an unbiblical, sentimental, Hollywood, romance-novel concept of love in the church. In the Bible, true scriptural love is always rooted in obedience to God's law (e.g., Jn. 14:15; 1 Cor. 13:4-7). Because modern professing Christians often define love according to our pagan culture (i.e., primarily as an irrational emotional state; infatuation; feelings), they are susceptible to psychological and evangelical gimmicks. One can find professing Christian husbands who are irresponsible; who allow their wives to lead; who are in rebellion against God with an antinomian household; who knows that the household is not what is should be; yet, who think that buying flowers, washing the dishes and taking the wife out to dinner will solve all the problems that arise out of a failure to lead biblically. While buying flowers, washing the dishes and taking the wife out to dinner are good, they are not a substitute for love rooted in biblical law. The modern American concept of love is like a gold ring in the snout of a filthy pig. It is the adornment of rebellion and lawlessness. Rushdoony writes: "[A]lthough Scripture repeatedly assumes and cites love as an aspect of a woman's relationship to her husband, love is not cited here by St. Paul with reference to the wife and her reaction to her husband. The primacy is given to submission by the wife, and love by the husband. The husband's love, however, is defined as service, and it is compared to the redemptive work of Christ for His Church (Eph. 5:22-29). Thus, the husband's evidence of love is his wise and loving government of his household, whereas the wife demonstrates her love in submission. In both cases, submission and authority are governed, not by the wishes of the parties involved, but by the law-word of God. Where the submission and authority are premised on God's law, the submission and authority interpenetrate. The husband submits to Christ and to all due authority, and the wife submits to her husband and thereby furthers his exercise of authority in every realm and becomes her husband's help-meet in his authority and dominion." [26]When husbands refuse to lead biblically and wives refuse to submit, their actions reveal their true colors. They show that their lives are not founded upon God's word but on a form of relativistic humanism.
5. A society in which the biblical leadership of the husband is rare, is a society that will degrade and exploit women. In modern America we are constantly bombarded with the idea that biblical religion leads to the oppression of women; that the worst thing for women is the Scripture's teaching on the headship of the husband and the submission of the wife. The truth of the matter, however, is the exact opposite.
The alternative to covenant headship (biblically defined) is not liberty or freedom, but lawlessness, anarchy and exploitation. The husband and father by his loving leadership nurtures and protects his wife and children. In the post-Christian society of today where authority and submission are denied, many men and women live only to serve themselves. Relationships are no longer viewed in terms of obedience to God's law in order to serve the interests of Christ's kingdom. Instead they are viewed through the lens of hedonistic self-fulfillment. "What does this relationship do for me?" "Does this relationship make me feel good?" Although relationships still begin with warm feelings, sentimentality and talk of love, commitment and caring, the truth of the matter for many is that men exploit women and women exploit men. When men get bored with sex and strong emotions fade away, women are abandoned. It is ironic that as modern culture has turned away from the Bible, women are more and more viewed merely as sex objects that can be tossed aside for younger, more exciting partners. This attitude of narcissism has led to the disintegration of families and great suffering on the part of men, women and especially children. The abandonment of covenant headship has carried with it judgment and misery. America's only hope is to return to Christ and His infinite wisdom.
In Europe and America marriage used to be defined in terms of biblical faith. However, today (for many) that is no longer true. Instead of a convenantal institution with a husband, wife and children under rules made by God, modern society views the family as a group of people who decide to live together for an undetermined amount of time. Today if sodomite, lesbians, adulterers and fornicators live in the same house with romance, sentimental feelings and some type of commitment to each other this group is considered a family. This societal recognition of lawless perverts as a family shows that the shift from biblical law to humanistic positive law has already (for the most part) taken place.
6. The feminist movements of the nineteenth and twentieth centuries are the primary result not of women but of disobedient men. "While it is true that the feminist movement is represented by female spokesmen, they are really nothing more than shills, fronting for a male lie. At the foundation, feminism is the handiwork of two kinds of men-destructive, overbearing men on the one hand and wimps on the other." [27] Because leadership in marriage is built into the very fabric of creation it is men who set the direction of culture. When men do not lead properly, rebellious women are happy to fill the void.
When men are tyrannical, abusive or neglectful, their wives often seek fulfillment outside of the home. When one examines the various women's (do-gooder) groups (such as the anti-slavery, temperance [in reality-the total abstinence movement], socialism, feminism or equal rights [in reality-the "women are superior to men who are oppressive jerks" movement] movements) one often will observe single or divorced women who are very lonely, or women who are married but neglected and unloved. An excellent example is Eleanor Roosevelt who became a socialist do-gooder and lesbian who neglected her own children after she discovered that her husband was having an affair and really did not love her.
7. Because men are the covenant heads of the household they are completely responsible for all the various problems that occur in the home. This of course does not mean that the husband is guilty for the sins of the wife. However, it does mean that if there are any problems in the home it is the husband who must deal with them. For example, when arguing and fighting occurs, it is the husband's job to learn biblical principals of communication in order to stop such behavior. This principal applies even when the wife is the instigator and is being obnoxious. The husband must deal with every contingency and problem in a biblical manner. Are there financial problems? Is the roof leaking? Is the wife breaking the Sabbath? When a husband leads in a loving biblical manner and takes responsibility for what occurs in the home needs are met, problems are solved, decisive actions are taken and serious marital problems are not given the opportunity to grow. Husbands, God has placed you in a position of inescapable leadership: you must lead and take responsibility so the whole household will grow in wisdom and grace.
When it comes to the husband's leadership of his wife and children Christianity is truly unique. Virtually all societies acknowledge some form of male headship. But the type of male leadership one finds in non-Christian cultures is usually tyrannical and oppressive. Wives are often not viewed as equal co-workers in the task of godly dominion but as property. Wives are worked and exploited like slaves so that the men can play and experience leisure. The pagan world-view produces men who are irresponsible, arbitrary, unethical, cruel, tyrannical and even violent.
Unlike paganism which enslaves women, biblical Christianity has been the greatest force of liberation, health and happiness of women the world has ever seen. Why? The first reason is that Jesus Christ sets women free from sin and it's consequences by His sinless life and sacrificial death. The second reason is that God has given His people the sacred Scriptures which frees both men and women from arbitrary and unbiblical human requirements. The third reason (which brings us to the present point of discussion) is that the husband is commanded by God to lead his wife in a loving manner. The husband's leadership is to be modeled after Christ's love of the church. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her" (Eph. 5:25).
The Ephesians passage (5:22-33) is crucial in understanding the nature of leadership in the Christian family. Paul not only sets forth the central command that husbands are to love their wives, he also defines this love. It is the kind of love that Christ has for the church. Why does Holy Spirit focus on the need for wives to live in subjection to their husbands and for husbands to love their wives? The reason is that since the fall women have a sinful tendency to want to dominate the husband and usurp his authority, while men have a sinful tendency to lead in an unloving dictatorial manner. In this passage God directly addresses our needs. Christians who are involved in marital counseling will immediately recognize the truth and wisdom in this passage. Husbands, if you want to imitate Christ, please Him and have a happy, godly household then heed the words of Paul. Chrysostom writes: "Hast thou seen the measure of obedience? Hear also the measure of love. Wouldst thou thy wife should obey thee as the church doth Christ? Have care thyself for her, as Christ for the church; and if it should be needful that thou shouldest give thy life for her, or be cut to pieces a thousand times, or endure anything whatever, refuse it not; yea, if thou hast suffered this thou hast not done what Christ did, for thou doest this for one to whom thou wert already united, but He for her who rejected Him and hated Him...He brought her to His feet by His great care, not by threats nor fear nor any such things; so do thou conduct thyself towards thy wife." [28]
What does God mean when He says that husbands must love their wives as Christ loved the church? The only way to answer this question is to examine how Christ loves the church. Paul tells us that "He gave Himself for her" (Eph. 5:25). Jesus lived His whole life and died a sacrificial death on behalf of His people. There are many things that we can learn about biblical leadership by examining our Lord's love of the church.
1. Christ's sacrificial giving of Himself involved humility. "Christ Jesus.... made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bond-servant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross" (Phil. 2:7-8). The husband's leadership must not be mingled with pride or arrogance but rather must be rooted in humble service. When a husband acts arrogantly and orders his wife around as if she were a robot or a slave, he makes his wife's submission an unpleasant and difficult task. Husbands, are you practicing the humility of Jesus in your leadership?
2. Christ's love of the church involved grace and mercy. Jesus did not love the church because it deserved His love. He loved her in spite of her deficiencies, sin and unworthiness. One of the main reasons families are breaking apart today is that husbands have adopted a selfish and pagan concept of love that says, "I love my wife because she is young, beautiful and thin." But when the wife grows older and gains weight she is regarded as a boring nuisance. Frequently she is cast aside like an old car.
A Christian husband must imitate Christ and be forgiving, forbearing and kind to his wife. He must not only forgive (and never ever bring up) his wife's sinful past, he also must forgive his wife in the present when she repents and seeks reconciliation. Husbands should learn to overlook the little offenses and faults and not be negative, harsh and overbearing. A believing husband who nags his wife because her figure is not what it was when she was twenty-five years old is being unreasonable and is acting like a pagan. The husband has a duty to show his wife favor and kindness. Do you tell your wife that she is beautiful? Does she know how important she is to you? Does she sense the intensity of your love? A wife that is loved in the biblical manner is truly beautiful. She knows that she is loved and adored. She has the kind of love that the world is unaware, a love that mirrors the precious Savior's. "When a believing husband loves his wife in this fashion obedience from the side of his believing wife will be easy. Illustration from life: 'My husband loves me so thoroughly and is so good to me that I jump at the opportunity to obey him.' That was putting it beautifully!" [29]
3. Christ's love of the church was characterized by service. When the disciples were contemplating their own greatness and future exalted status in God's kingdom, Jesus corrected them by setting forth the true essence of Christian leadership. "But Jesus called them to Himself and said, 'You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and those who are great exercise authority over them. Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave-just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many'" (Mt. 20:25-28; cf. Lk. 22:25-27). Jesus, who in Himself was infinitely great and had authority over all men, could have lived as a monarch with attendants and an army of servants. Yet "He who is greatest and chief among us has set us the example of the utmost love-service. No servants waited on Him. He was Master and Lord; but he washed his servants' feet. He came not to be served, but to serve. He received nothing from others; his life was a life of giving, and the giving of a life." [30]
A husband who thinks that covenant headship means that he gets to order his wife and children around while he watches television or plays poker with his buddies does not understand biblical leadership. While it is true that the wife must submit to her husband in the Lord, she should be submitting to a loving humble, servant leader. The husband should take great care to manage the household and make leadership decisions for his wife's own benefit. A loving husband always places his wife's welfare about his own. Is the wife tired and feeling under the weather? A biblical husband asks his wife to lie on the couch and relax while he makes dinner and cleans up the mess. If feminists really understood the teaching of Scripture regarding the headship of the husband, they would have to abandon (if they were honest) the egalitarian propaganda that portrays Christian marriage as slavery to a tyrant. The feminist caricature of Christian marriage is one of the greatest lies of all time. Sadly, hypocritical professors of religion have given credence to this lie by their sinful harsh treatment of their wives. Husbands, are you giving the heathen cause to blaspheme the cause of God and truth by the dictatorial, unloving manner in which you treat your spouse?
4. Christ's love of the church involved sacrifice. Not only did our Lord leave the glory of heaven behind to be born in a manger to live a life of rejection and suffering, he also paid the ultimate price by dying a sacrificial death for His bride. In imitation of Jesus, a Christian husband must often set aside his own interests for the sake of his wife. The man who spent a lot of time with his friends playing pool, camping, fishing, hunting, etc. before marriage, now spends that time with his wife and family. This point does not mean that a husband can't have friends or get involved in various male activities. It does mean, however, that the vast majority of time is focused on his own family. He is there for them and lives to serve and nourish them. A man who treats his family as a side compartment of life, who puts in an appearance here and there to soothe a guilty conscience is not placing his family first. He is not loving his wife as Christ loved the church. "Because Christ is the head of the church, he is its Savior; therefore, as the husband is the head of the wife, he should not only rule, but protect and bless." [31]
An implication of this passage (Eph. 5:25) is that husbands must be willing to defend their wives and even die if necessary in the process. Hodge writes: "As their relation to their wives is analogous to that of Christ to His church, it imposes the obligation to love them as he loves the church. But Christ so loved the church as to die for it. Husbands, therefore, should be willing to die for their wives. This seems to be the natural import of the passage, and it is the interpretation commonly given to it." [32]
5. Christ's love of the church involved a perfect obedience to God's law (Heb. 4:15). It is very important that Christians understand that love (biblically defined) is never antinomian. When Scripture speaks of love it emphasizes not an emotional state but duty. Biblical love is first and foremost the treatment of others in accordance with God's holy law. Jesus says, "If you love Me, keep My commandments" (Jn. 14:15). Note how Paul equates love with obedience to the law. He writes: "Owe no one anything except to love one another, for he who loves another has fulfilled the law. For the commandments, 'You shall not commit adultery,' 'You shall not murder,' 'You shall not steal,' 'You shall not bear false witness,' 'You shall not covet,' and if there is any other commandment, are all summed up in this saying, namely, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' Love does no harm to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law" (Rom. 13:8-10). "Love without law is a contradiction; while love and law are not identical, the one cannot exist without the other. If a man claims to love a woman, and then asks, in the name of a more personal and existential relationship, that they live together without marriage, the woman is justified in questioning his love. Love cannot be separated from law without denying love, nor can law be separated from love without denying law." [33]
Why is it so important that believers understand that love is a biblical duty, a fulfillment of the law? A major reason is that it frees Christians from the whim of their emotions. Emotions are often fickle. They can come and they can go. A man who has been married thirty years may not always experience the strong feelings towards his wife that he did when they were first engaged. When people are led along by their emotions instead of God's word their lives are characterized by lawlessness and chaos. The humanistic idea of love as a self-serving, irrational, emotional experience leads inescapably to a love of what is evil. When God commands husbands to love their wives it is rather obvious that he is not commanding them to somehow change their emotional state. Love is a duty, a way of living. This means that Christian husbands must always keep their emotions subservient to Scripture.
It also means that the biblical model of love is not something that just happens to us; that is, we are not passive creatures waiting for an experience (e.g., falling in love). The biblical pattern is lawful, responsible commitment that leads to biblical action towards one's spouse. Note, the definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13 focuses not on emotions but on having biblical attitudes and behavior. "Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails" (verses 4-8). What husbands need to do is place their wives first, serve them, treat them lawfully and then (if lacking) the emotional aspect of love will inevitably follow.
When Christ commands us to love our enemies He does not mean that we are to sit around and try and develop good feelings towards them. On the contrary, He expects us to treat them lawfully and to do good unto them. By treating our enemies with kindness, (e.g., giving them something to eat or drink) we invest our time and resources in that person or persons. This type of behavior will cause a change of emotions. When you invest yourself in another, you begin a different attitude toward them. Such an attitude that develops and grows out of serving and giving is genuine and lasting.
When a husband finds himself in a marriage where good emotions and excitement are lacking, he has the responsibility to lead and act in such a manner that will rekindle proper emotions. If a husband wants his wife to have emotional love toward him, he must first love his wife biblically. "We love Him because He first loved us" (1 Jn. 4:19). The covenant head is responsible for nurturing love in the household. If the home is a cold, loveless place then he must take action. He must give of himself, serve, sacrifice and admonish to remedy the situation. If the wife is cold-hearted and does not love in return the husband must not give up or try to punish his wife by reciprocating in kind. A husband's obedience to the Word must never be based on the behavior of his wife. Remember the husband is responsible for what occurs in the home. If he disobeys God and uses his wife's ungodly behavior as an excuse, he only hurts himself and the whole house. God will hold him personally responsible for his sinful behavior. Calvin writes: "Now when a husband has well considered and examined his own faults thoroughly, he will hold his peace, and patiently bear with his wife's faults, until God gives her the grace to correct them. And meanwhile, whatever happens, let him not cease to act like a husband in applying himself to his wife's interests, to win her to God. For he is not set in a position of superiority, except for the benefit and welfare of his yoke fellow." [34]
6. Jesus' love of the church involves patience and forbearance. When Christ's disciples were slow to believe and unable to understand His simple teachings, He admonished them gently. Our Lord was very patient with his thick-skulled disciples. Paul refers to this aspect of biblical love in first Corinthians: "Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy...does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil... bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (13:4, 5, 7).
A Christian husband should not expect the instantaneous sanctification of his wife. Sanctification is a continuous process that takes a lot of hard work (By this statement I do not intend to imply that Christ is not the author and enabler of sanctification. I am only emphasizing our responsibility in this area.). Husbands need to set both short term and long term goals. Obviously, blatantly sinful behavior must not be tolerated. However, there are areas of attitude and behavior that will take both the husband and wife time to replace with godly habits. Husbands who are perfectionists, who expect an instantaneous entire sanctification, who have little or no patience often become frustrated and give up. A Christian marriage should never stand still. The husband must lead the family forward in corporate sanctification. Such leadership requires planning, action and patience. If the husband keeps in mind the overall picture, that the goal of Christian marriage is the glorification of God and not serving the needs of and glorifying the husband then patience and perseverance will be much easier to maintain.
If a husband is to imitate Christ in His patience and forbearance then he must learn to think the best of his wife and not the worst. He must learn to give her the benefit of the doubt. A Christian husband must never attribute evil motives to his wife's behavior when it is not clear if her intent was innocent or malevolent. As Paul says, love "thinks no evil" "believes all things" and "is not provoked." Much useless arguing in marriage is attributable to husbands and wives that are trying to read each other's minds and read between the lines. In such situations spouses become angry and contentious over matters that may or may not even exist. Husbands and wives are sinners. If they begin to attribute evil motives or assume malevolent meanings "between the lines" then severe contention is inevitable. The husband in such situations must lead by example and admonitions; and, make sure that such unchristian, non-productive communication does not occur in the home. Believers are never to attempt to read the hearts of other believers. That is something that only God can do.
After Paul sets forth the imperative for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church he elaborates on this teaching by saying, "For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church" (Eph. 5:28-29). Christian husbands who follow the example of Christ do so only by loving their wives as their own bodies. The husband should love his wife because she is his body.
The reference to loving one's wife refers to two realities. First, we are reminded of the fact that Eve was made from Adam's own body. A marriage covenant places a man and woman in such a close personal relationship that they are to be viewed as one entity and not isolated individuals. Once a man understands this fact he should realize that mistreating his wife only hurts himself. Calvin writes: "An argument is now drawn from nature itself, to prove that men ought love their wives. Every man, by his very nature, loves himself. But no man can love himself without loving his wife. Therefore, the man who does not love his wife is a monster. The minor proposition is proved in this manner. Marriage was appointed by God on the condition that the two should be one flesh; and that this unity may be more sacred, he again recommends it to our notice by the consideration of Christ and his church...Whoever considers seriously the design of marriage cannot but love his wife." [35]
Second, Paul points to the mystical union of all believers in Christ. Jesus is the head and we are members of His body. "There is never a moment that Christ does not tenderly watch over his body, the church. We are under his constant surveillance. His eyes are constantly upon us, from the beginning of the year even to the end of the year (cf. Dt. 11:12). Therefore, we cast all our anxiety upon him, convinced that we are his personal concern (1 Peter 5:7), the objects of his very special providence." [36]
In verse 29 Paul elaborates on what it means to love one's body. "For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church." The word “nourish” means to feed, to bring up to maturity. Its common usage refers to providing food or sustenance to the body. With Christ and the church, however, it is used in a spiritual manner to refer to our Lord's spiritual care of the church. Jesus expresses His love for us by providing us with the spiritual food we need. The Lord Himself nourishes us by His word, the sacraments and ministries of the church all effectually applied by His Spirit.
The husband has a biblical responsibility to nourish his wife. How then is this to occur? To what does it apply? Taking into account the etymology of the word and the context of verse 29 (especially verses 26 to 27), the husband must take care of his wife's physical and spiritual well-being. The husband must not only be the provider for the household, he must also lead in spiritual matters. He should help his wife progress in sanctification. Regarding both these areas there are a number of things to consider.
1. A husband is to nourish his wife by providing the food, clothing and shelter that she needs for the household. A husband has a moral obligation to provide his wife with enough money to buy groceries, clothing, furnishings, transportation, etc. for the family. The husband must enable his wife to put good healthy food on the table. In 1 Timothy 5:8 Paul says, "But if anyone does not provide for his own [i.e., his near relatives], and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." In very strong language Paul says that fathers who do not provide for their own are wicked apostates. They are even worse than an unbeliever who by natural affections fulfills his responsibility upon fathers to their own immediate family. This point is highlighted by the phrase "and especially." A husband who refuses to provide for his family should (after proper procedures, Mt. 18:15ff.) be excommunicated by the church.
The law of God also teaches that husbands have to provide for their wives. In Exodus 21:10-11 in a law regulating polygamy, God says that if a man takes a second wife he is not permitted to neglect the needs of his first wife in the process. "If he takes another wife, he shall not diminish her food, her clothing, and her marriage rights. And if he does not do these three for her, then she shall go out free, without paying money." The word translated "food" literally means meat and indicates that the wife is not to be given simply a subsistence diet but is to be given the best food that the husband can afford. The wife has a God-given right to the necessities of life. The implication of this passage is that the husband who refuses to provide for his household should be excommunicated by the church and the wife should be granted a divorce on the basis of desertion by an unbelieving husband.
Providing food, clothing and shelter involves more than simply bringing home a paycheck. It also involves the wise, responsible management of money and resources. There are professing Christian husbands who make plenty of money to run a household, but who are so irresponsible and selfish in their spending that the wife and children are poorly dressed and fed. Some husbands are very materialistic and waste thousands of dollars on cars and trucks that are not really needed. If a man is not making a lot of money he does not need to buy a new car every three years; and, he certainly does not need a fancy new SUV when a good used car will do. Some men are so self-centered that they spend so much money on their own interests (e.g., fancy cigars, European beer, clothes, guns, golf, camping equipment, eating out with buddies, etc.) that the wife is left serving children hot dogs and white bread. Such behavior on the part of the husband is blatantly unbiblical and sinful. The wife and children are always to be placed first. The responsible management of money is necessary if the wife is going to stay at home with the children and fulfill her domestic duties. Most money problems that occur in American families today are not a result of a lack of cash, but rather are the result of spending beyond one's means. Christian husbands must avoid the poverty mentality that demands instant gratification (on a credit card if necessary) at the expense of a family's future financial gain and freedom. Responsible family leadership will bring a family out of excessive materialism and debt in order to have the time to spend raising and training children to work for Christ's kingdom. "Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (Mt. 6:19-21).
2. A husband is also biblically required to provide for his wife's sexual needs. With reference to sexual relations in marriage, Paul insists that both husbands and wives have a duty to be there for each other. He writes: "Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does" (1 Cor. 7:3-4). The verb translated “render” is a present imperative that indicates a habitual duty. Here is a place in Scripture in which we are told that a wife has authority over her husband. When she requests sexual affection he is not to deny her. Paul says in verse 5 that the only time married couples are to abstain is for special periods of prayer. But even this period of abstinence must only be by mutual consent and must not be prolonged lest Satan tempt one or the other party to adultery.
This passage is very offensive to many in our pagan culture. Note how Paul completely refutes the feminist notion that a woman has control over her own body. Paul says that the husband has control over her body. Also, the idea that both husbands and wives cannot deny sexual relations to each other is viewed by many as slavery and not romantic spontaneity. Paul's inspired injunctions may be unacceptable to a post Christian society. However, given our fallen states, sexual desires and the manifold temptations of life in this area Paul's instruction are exactly what married people need.
Wives, are you placing your husband in a situation of temptation by your sinful refusal to fulfill you marital obligations in this area? Husbands, are you making every effort to satisfy you wife in this area? Are you picking a time convenient for her? Are you grooming yourself properly? Are you providing a friendly, emotionally pleasing setting? Are you taking your time for her sake? Placing your wife first in this area has great rewards.
Husbands also have a biblical duty to be content with their wives in the sphere of sexual intimacy. In our sex crazed culture scantily clad beautiful women are used in advertising, magazines, billboards, TV programs, movies, etc. as enticements to buy products, magazines or to watch television, movies and/or videos. Men are constantly being told by our pagan culture that women are supposed to look a certain way (e.g. Pamela Anderson). However, since very few women actually have such "perfect features and perfect figures" men are implicitly being told that what they have is defective; that they are being cheated in this area. When men allow themselves to be manipulated by our hedonistic culture they are no longer content with what God has given them and seek sexual satisfaction in sinful, unauthorized ways. The result is that sexual immorality (e.g. adultery, the use of pornography, etc.) and divorce is at epidemic proportions among professing evangelicals. Christian husbands have a duty to be fully content with their wives. This means that husbands should avoid anything that tends to destroy sexual contentment with their wives (e.g. the Sports Illustrated swimsuit editions, inappropriate TV programs, movies or internet sites). They must learn to appreciate their own wives; to be fully satisfied with them. Husbands are to rejoice in their wives and be enraptured by them. "Drink water from your own cistern, and running water from your own well. Should you fountains be dispersed abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be only your own, and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love" (Prov. 5:15-19). The husband who is not seeking sexual satisfaction from his own wife on a regul